The "U" comes before the "I" in Communication.

OK, I apologize, that title was lame.

This post is more of a quick teaching/reminder and is geared more at married people but really it is a very good reminder for everyone in pretty much any situation where you deal with people.

It's no big surprise that people are made differently. My experiences, thoughts, shortcomings, hopes, dreams, family, environment, physiology, genetics etc., all define who I am...and your life defines you very differently than me.

My personality and life mean that I communicate in a certain style that is unique to me. My communication style is going to be driven by how I best receive communication. If I'm American, I'm probably going to prefer speaking and being spoken to in English. However, just as I have a language preference I have a style preference based on my life and personality.

I like to read but I don't generally read a lot of help type books. The reason I don't is that you read one and five years later you read another that totally turns around everything you read in the first book. So I don't put a lot of stock in them. However one that I really like and see as very useful, even necessary, is The Five Love Languages.

I won't spill the entire book because I don't want to simplify what I think you need to read, but after reading this book I examined myself and some of the people I deal with and I found out that sure enough these people all have a primary love language they respond too....what's more, they almost always communicate (output) in the same language they like to get (input). For example, one of my languages is quality time...if you want to speak to me, give me your quality time. Conversely, if I want to speak to you I'm going to want to sit down and focus on each other (quality time). You get the picture.

The problem is that we all have different languages here...not only that but we even have different "dialects" to our language. What "quality time" means to me may be different than someone else who is driven by it.

Here comes the rub in all this and the point I want to make. It does not matter how good you can communicate in your own language, if the other party doesn't receive in that language. You have to learn to speak their language or else every communication attempt you make is going to fail! If you don't learn their language, even your best intentions can turn into deep hurts.

This point is near and dear to my heart because I'm really dealing with it with someone in my life right now and I'm just learning what affect it's had on this relationship and I'm working on trying to fix it. Thankfully this other person is working hard on this too.

I tend to be logical and "man" driven. See a problem, discuss it (quality time) fix it with a solution using these steps. That's how I operate. However I have someone in my life who is not a quality time person and is definitely not a problem/solution driven person. This person is driven by acts of service and administration (and other things) and needs someone to empathize with her (if you've studied this stuff at all you can easily see this is a man/woman relationship!)

I love this person so much that when they have a problem or they are not being as effective and efficient as they could be, I try to "fix" their problem by telling them how to solve it. The hurt starts flying when this happens though because this person does not see LOVE or COMMUNICATION in this...she sees criticism and failure. Conversely this person tries to communicate with acts of service which don't really do too much for me, so I don't see those things as too big of a deal...which makes this person feel like she is banging her head against a wall. And she is! We both are!

We are both getting nowhere because we are not getting the kind of love and communication we need.

So that's my sermon for today, communication is only good communication if the other person can understand and receive it. It's not easy and sometimes it seems downright unfair but if you want to be understood by others, you have to learn to understand them.

BTW, in addition to the Five Love Languages, my wife and I (as if you didn't know who the other person was!) have been through a video set called "Fighting for your marriage". The videos are very cheezy and made in the 80's (you will see mullets and women's shoulder pads!) but if you can get past the cheez factor, there is some really good info in there on learning how to properly communicate, even how to properly "fight" when problems arise. It's also important to have an understanding of where that other persons strengths, talents, gifts and shortcomings are. Not to exploit them, but because these things can really give you insight on how best to communicate with someone.

That's it!

Currently Listening to: Radiohead - In Rainbows (still)

Later On, Further Out,
Chris Cummings

What's coming up for you?

Nothing major today...just thinking about what's coming down the pike for me in upcoming weeks that I'm looking forward to. Christmas and New Year's no doubt. I am looking forward to hanging out with some friends too. I'm looking forward to some of the Christmas parties.

One thing I'm REALLY looking forward to is going to see the Everybodyfields next weekend. Honestly I've only heard snippets of their music but I it is a style that I like plus I know Sam Quinn, one of the group's founders...so I'm looking forward to that! I'm equally excited that my wonderful wife and some of my great friends are going to the show too. Hopefully I will get to take pictures and share them here.

I guess that's it. Oh, I don't know why I've not been doing this but I will also try to end every post with what I've been listening to. It could be a new CD (which is quite rare for me) or it could just be something I found online, heard on the radio or something I've owned for 10 years...who knows?

Later On, Further Out,
Chris

Currently Listening to: Radiohead - In Rainbows (get it from their website while you can!)

Where's the Holiday Love?

My wife thinks I hate all holidays. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Secretary's Day...she thinks I hate all days of celebration and/or recognition. She's wrong but she has a strong opinion on it(and ties to the New Jersey Mafia) so I let her think it.

I don't hate holidays. I hate commercialization. I hate status quo. I hate the notion that I have to get so and so a present of so and so value or they are going to wonder why I no longer like them. I hate the notion that you have to allot $400-$500 to Christmas or you are a failure and a Grinch.

Now this flies in direct opposition of the fact that I love both giving and receiving gifts. I really do. My favorite thing in the world is giving. And I am not ashamed to say I like getting stuff too (so if you are in the giving mood and have any photography or music gear, a spare Xbox 360 or a pot of gold, well, here I am!)

I just don't like the undue stress that the holidays bring. More directly, I don't like the stress that the holidays bring my wife...which filters directly down to me. But that's a whole other post. Heck, that's a whole other blog for another day!

I think my problem is not with holidays. I think it's a deeper and more fundamental problem. I have this need within me to buck every tradition, every "normal" method of doing things.

I am the guy who was born in a completely white, completely rural area of TN and as a kid I thought I was Sammy Davis Junior tap dancing in my Sunday shoes on my moms wooden floors. I'm the kid who had an extensive knowledge of both Glen Campbell and Run DMC. I'm the guy who likes electronica, industrial, rap, classical, Americana, rock, goth and alt.country but detests most commercial pop and virtually all commercial country. I don't have aspirations of meeting celebrities or political figures. They are people and their fame doesn't interest me.

I don't like to be told what to do (usually). I don't like rules...unless they are my rules. Then I don't like to change those. But again, that's another post for another day.

I question everything. I am the best devil's advocate. I can argue either side of an argument just for fun.

I do have my beliefs. I do have my faith. But I have and do question it all sometimes. I think you have to. I think if you want it to be real you have to disect it and see what it's built on and what it's made out of. And I realize my beliefs in everything are evolving. As my life changes I build upon a core, I keep questioning whats going on, where I am and what is being given to me from those around me.

More than anything I want the truth out of life. Ugly and beautiful. Devestating and exhilerating. Futalistic and eternal. I want the truth and I don't think its found in the mass-thought.

What is the point here? I don't even remember. I'm a complicated cat.
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving....and I do mean that.

Later On, Further Out,
Chris Cummings

Are you out there? Are you listening?

Welcome to the random musings of someone with arguably too much time on their hands and conversely not enough hours in the day.

I've done the blog thing before. Back a few years ago I did one on and off. Mostly off. I am about to start one for my day job. I also have an occasional one I post in for my side work as Integrity Web Development. Sometimes I post on my MySpace blog, but not very often. But I decided I'd just start one again and if no one listens, that's OK. And if they do, that's good too.

So what are you going to find here? I told you in the first line, random musings! Pay Attention!

Seriously though, my interests are wide and my ability to free associate is pretty impressive, so there's no telling. Some of the things that are probably going to bubble to the surface more than others are Christianity, music, photography and computers (specifically web design, PHP, graphic design and the like). These are things I'm highly interested in.

On that note I'm going to go ahead and slap you with a couple of images I've shot recently. For some reason the powers that be at the Stock Exchange will not accept the star which is one of my favorite images I've shot right now (they say it's too blurry and it is, a little...but come on!) Both of these images were shot on an overcast and cold Saturday morning at the Old Woolen Mill in Cleveland, TN with my Canon Digital Rebel XT and then tweaked a bit in Photoshop. In case you are wondering though, very little was done to the star. That baby will be someone's album cover some day, I can feel it!

Well I guess that's it...and I know what your burning question is...why "Later On, Further Out?" Some things, my friends, must remain a mystery.

Later On, Further Out,
Chris Cummings